


The Wonders of Conservative Liberalism

by TheBigCat



Category: Tanis (Podcast), The Black Tapes Podcast
Genre: Bickering, Crack, Gen, monopoly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-07
Updated: 2018-01-07
Packaged: 2019-03-01 12:38:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13295055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBigCat/pseuds/TheBigCat
Summary: A lesson in politics and drug-based criminal empires. There’s probably a moral here somewhere, but we have no idea what it is.





	The Wonders of Conservative Liberalism

 It all started with Alex suggesting they play a game of Monopoly.

“Fine,” said MK. “But I get to be the wheelbarrow.”

“I wanted to be the wheelbarrow!” Geoff protested, as Alex began to sort out the money and property cards into neat piles.

Nic frowned. “Is there a dog piece?”

MK picked up a silver token, and peered at it. “No, but there’s a racecar.”

“I don’t want to be a racecar, I want to be a dog.”

“Tough,” Geoff said, unfolding the board. “Look, you can be the battleship. Don’t start sulking about it.”

Nic sulked, and Alex chose the thimble piece, placing it on ‘Go’. “Who’s going to be the banker?” she asked.

“I will,” Dr Strand volunteered.

“We are _not_ trusting Richard fucking Strand with several million dollars’ worth of money!” MK argued. “He’ll probably start another shitty institute with it and blow the rest on disproving the existence of aliens -“

Dr Strand directed a very stern glare in her direction, and she glared right back, and they proceeded to engage in a very intense staring contest for all of five seconds. After a moment, MK frowned and gave up.

“Fine,” she said. “But I’m robbing the bank later on.”

“You can’t rob the bank,” pointed out Geoff. “That’s against the rules.”

“MK doesn’t care about rules,” Nic said. “Although that should have been _really_ obvious by now.”

Dr Strand handed out the money to everyone. Or he started to, anyway.

“Why do we get one thousand, five hundred dollars each?” he asked, holding the notes up to the light as if to check them for authenticity. “Shouldn’t it be collapsing the economy, giving out money for free like this?”

“Richard,” said Alex with utmost patience. “ _It’s only a board game._ ”

“Yes, but it still makes no sense. Shouldn’t we have to pay back the loan as soon as we can with interest, or risk a bunch of bloodthirsty lawyers coming after us to suck our-”

Geoff hit Strand with a pillow, which shut him up rather quickly.

They started the game.

(“All I’m saying,” said Dr Strand sourly. “Is that this game isn’t in the slightest bit realistic.”)

(Geoff hit him again.)

MK went first, and rolled double numbers twice in a row, buying two properties for a very reasonable sum of money.

“It’s a conspiracy,” Geoff said seriously. “MK is attempting to take over the board with the power of double die rolls.”

However, the next time MK rolled the dice, it came up with double sixes.

“Straight to jail,” Alex crowed happily. “Do not pass Go, do not collect two hundred dollars!”

MK moved the wheelbarrow piece to jail, and scowled. “What do I have to do to get out?”

Geoff checked the rules. “Roll double numbers again on the first try, wait three turns, or pay a sum of one thousand dollars to the person directly to the left of you. That’s me, by the way.”

MK lunged for the rule booklet. “That’s not right! It’s only sixty dollars, I’ve played this before!”

“One thousand dollars, pay up!”

“Van Sant, I will _kill you in real life-_ ”

While the two of them fought it out in the corner, it was Alex’s turn. She landed on a ‘Chance’ square, and picked up a card.

“I came second place in a beauty contest,” she said after a second. “I win thirty dollars. Who was first, and where do they live? I have some very specific questions I want to ask them.”

“Take the thirty dollars and be happy,” MK snorted, emerging from her impromptu brawl with Geoff. “It’s lucky that you didn’t come third.”

Alex scowled, snatched the money from the bank, and threw the dice savagely at Dr Strand. He rolled, and came up with a one and a three.

“Oxford Street,” he read off the board. “I suppose I’ll buy it.”

Geoff, who had come out of the argument victorious, hunted for the property card through the deck. “I think it’s missing.”

Dr Strand crossed his arms. “This seems suspicious."

“It’s missing,” Geoff repeated.

Dr Strand joined the group of people who were sulking, and Alex rolled for her turn, landing on Mayfair.

“That’s mine!” MK said triumphantly. “Give me my money!”

“You’re in jail,” Alex pointed out. “Can you collect payment if you’re in jail?”

Nic leaned over and looked at the rulebook. “Yes, actually.”

Strand looked horrified. “That’s not realistic!”

MK snickered rather cruelly. Nic took his turn, and refused to buy the property that his landed on, much to the delight/annoyance of everyone else.

Geoff rolled two double sixes in a row, and a six and a five the next time, which was generally agreed to be not all that fair and possible due to some sort of sorcery.

“I’m buying Pall Mall,” he decided after a moment of consideration.

“You only just bought Trafalgar Square and Vine Street!” protested Alex. “ _And it’s only your first turn!_ ”

“I’m still in jail,” MK reminded everyone grumpily.

“Hey,” said Geoff brightly. “Why don’t we make this a bit more interesting?”

“ _No,_ Geoff, we are _not_ playing Strip Monopoly!” Alex yelled.

Geoff drooped sadly.

“MK is trying to steal money from the bank,” Nic pointed out, and everyone turned to glare at the information specialist in question, who glared at Nic, betrayed.

“It’s technically mine anyway,” she said. “Geoff _robbed_ me.”

“It’s the democracy’s money!” Dr Strand objected.

“Dr Strand!” exclaimed Alex, horrified. “You’re a socialist!”

“Anyway,” said Geoff. “We can’t run a country on that sort of basis.”

MK let out a loud cough that sounded quite a lot like _America,_ but no one heard.

“Second turn,” Nic said in a final, _I’m trying to keep the peace here_ sort-of way. “MK, you roll.”

MK rolled, and didn’t get a double. “Shit. Does that mean I have to pay-”

“One thousand dollars,” beamed Geoff smugly, sticking out a hand. MK sulkily handed it over.

“For the record,” Dr Strand added, as Alex bought Marylebone Station. “I’m a capitalist.”

“What?”

“Never mind,” he sighed.

Nic bought Whitechapel Road, but only because everyone else was pressuring him to get something or “he’d lose the game completely”, according to Dr Strand.

 “What if I want to lose the game?” Nic asked.

 "Why on Earth would you want to do that?” snapped Alex, which ended the argument.

 The rest of the round progressed with no further chaos, although Geoff still seemed to think that Strip Monopoly was a good idea and was trying to convince everyone of the same thing. At the beginning of the next round, MK managed to roll three doubles in a row- _again_ \- and headed to jail once more.

 "Are you selling illegal drugs or something?” Geoff asked suspiciously. “Because if you are, I’m refusing to do business with you.”

 “I’m being framed,” MK said firmly, glaring at the dice as if they were offensive somehow. “Someone has it out for me.” 

After fifteen minutes, things were about to descend into abject chaos. MK had landed in jail for the fourth time in a row, and was currently looking in the direction of several very valuable-looking ornaments on the shelf across the room with a murderous intent.

 “I passed Go,” Geoff said, looking up. “I get two hundred dollars, right?”

 “This isn’t legal,” Strand protested. “You can’t just go around handing out money like that!”

 “Ah, the wonders of conservative liberalism,” Alex sighed. “Just give him the money.”

 Strand slid the money across the board with a sour expression on his face. Geoff caught it, and placed them in his already rapidly growing pile of cash, already secretly planning out the bank robbery of the century.

 Alex snatched up the dice, rolled them, and landed on Whitechapel. She swore rather colourfully, and dug around for appropriate money to give to Nic.

 “It’s okay,” Nic said cheerfully. “You don’t need to pay me.”

 Alex’s scowl resolved itself into a bright smile. “Really?”

 "You can’t do that!” Strand objected loudly.

“I don’t mind,” Alex said.

 “You wouldn’t,” sniped MK.

 “How are you going to support your residents without any money charged?” Strand asked.

 Nic shrugged. “I support collectivist anarchism. Deal with it.”

 Dr Strand let out a very particular sort of sigh, filled with all shades of existential angst and exasperation.

 "I say we should have a referendum,” Geoff announced.

 Alex placed her head very carefully in her hands. “You’ve got to be kidding.”

 “I’m one hundred percent serious.”

 “This isn’t covered in the Constitution,” pointed out Nic, who was already beginning to regret this entire venture.

 “We _have_ a Constitution?”

 “Sure we do,” shrugged Geoff, reaching into her bag and pulling out a twenty-six page volume, in point eight Arial font. “And you haven’t followed the proper steps for instituting a referendum. First, you have to-”

 Nic stopped listening, and rolled the dice. He passed Go and ended up on Community Chest.

 “Hey,” he called, interrupting the approaching argument about the hypothetical living rights of the hypothetical people in the hypothetical houses on the hypothetical streets. “This card says that you all have to pay me fifty dollars for each property you own.”

 Everyone looked horrified, stopped arguing, and flipped through their property cards.

 “I have to pay you _two hundred and fifty dollars_?” moaned MK. “That’s not fair! I’m your employee! You should be paying me!”

 Nic said nothing, just smiled that particular little smile of his which everyone took to mean that he was planning something horrifyingly evil. Apparently the fact that he wasn’t charging anyone for landing on his properties didn’t mean that he was being lenient anywhere else.

 While everyone was distracted, Geoff took his chance and lunged for the bank. He stole several thousand dollars’ worth of cash, and looked innocent when Alex turned to look at him.

 “If I didn’t know better, I’d say you just robbed the bank in a desperate attempt to keep up with your criminal empire that we all know you’re running in your spare time,” she deadpanned. “But of course that’s impossible.”

 “Obviously,” agreed Geoff, trying not to look too relieved.

 “I,” said MK pointedly. “am _still_ in jail.”

 “Stop trading in illegal drugs,” Nic suggested. “Or, better yet, stop getting caught.”

 “Wait, so Dr Strand is employing MK?” Alex asked, running a hand through her hair in confusion.

 "To trade drugs?” frowned Nic. “…I suppose it _fits…_ ”

 Geoff landed on the last of the yellow properties, bought it, and proceeded to stock all of them up with houses.

 "Well, this is the end,” Nic said sadly and fatalistically. “Geoff’s taking over the board, and-“

 “This _is still in no way realistic,”_ Dr Strand said.

 “It’s not supposed to be realistic,” said Alex, shifting the cushions so she was more comfortable. “It’s supposed to be _fun_.”

 “This isn’t fun,” MK said, using the time-old tradition of pointing out the completely bloody obvious. “This has descended into bribery, cheating, and capitalism, and it’s not the bribery or cheating that I’m worried about.”

“You know what _would_ be fun?” Geoff asked. “Strip Monopoly!”

The assembled group groaned. Loudly.

MK rolled a double, and got out of jail with no extra fines, landing on Free Parking. “What does this do?"

Alex scanned the rulebook. “Nothing, I think.”

“Nothing? Well, in that case, I think I should get two thousand dollars as compensation.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Strand snorted, pulling the bank away from everyone else.

“I didn’t mean from the bank,” MK answered, and stole two thousand from Nic, who actually didn’t complain.

“Free money for everyone!” he said instead, flinging his collective fortune up into the air. Alex immediately scrambled forwards to snatch the bulk of it.

Dr Strand scowled. “That’s against the rules.”

“Rules were made to be broken,” said Nic proudly, quoting a famous line that everyone seemed to use when it suited them.

“Not the rules of Monopoly,” Alex protested, only half-heartedly - she had somehow acquired most of the $500 notes and was looking extraordinarily pleased with herself. Behind her back, Geoff was shamelessly robbing the bank again.

“Hey, look!” said MK, who had a fairly good grasp on how the phrase ‘deus ex machina’ was supposed to work. “The board’s on fire!”

That was the precise moment when chaos erupted, and the game was pretty much over.

Afterwards, Nic would admit that he only did it ‘to see Dr Strand go literally purple with indignation, and to laugh at Alex getting morally outraged over the finer points of the game’.

Geoff, on the other hand, affirmed that the game had, in fact, been a lot of fun. Although it would have probably been better it had been played according to the strip rules.

The others were not available for comment.

 


End file.
